March 16, 2012
Warning: This would be a rather emotional, wordy, lengthy and boring post.

That doesn't mean I am sad or depressed. I am actually as happy as a lark now, it's just that there are so many things churning in my head. An output is very much needed to organize and clarify my thoughts now. I will be very honest and throw out the worst part of me.

Trust me, I seldom emo one! Life is just so full of options and crossroads you see!

Okay I have started my Master program half a year ago. Facing obstacles is a NORM and unavoidable  as they are mostly technical problems. Everything else is fine including scholarship, colleagues, housemates, family and everything. So what am I worrying now?

Money and Time. Same old problems. Everyone faces these. Familiar enough.

So many things to do, so limited time and money.

I always want to go Korea and here's a chance, a summer programme offered by Pukyong University which sadly I missed last year. It's really worth going for it introduces the real Korean culture and my friends who had been there gave good comments. And then the question comes, the cost of the participating in the program takes a lot of money, well at least for me, it's a huge sum of money.

And my laptop husband is nearly dead, I need to buy a new and lighter one. My friend recommends me to buy an Ultrabook but you know how much it is. Plus, I still have to settle my PTPTN loan. FAMA foundation (fyi, father and mother, in short fama) seems to be the best choice if I want to go Korea but NO! The angel in my heard stops me from being so selfish and demanding.

Okay, talking about time now, I prefer planning things months ahead. If you were to see my planner now, it's full but the my brain is fuller with all the things need to be done. My housemates and my family will give me a disdainful look because I seem to be the most free student they have ever seen. Trust me, in fact I have a lot of things to do, really one! Korean programme takes me a month, which means I have to finish half of my work before I leave (if I happen to go). It goes back to the same old problems, my present work is limited by some other factors, which means the month to Korean might be very critical for the continuity of my project.

Also, there are some other things like other commitments, personal problems etc. I don't feel my body and health are in the best condition. Today I just walked for a short while and already suffocated like a man who has run up and down the hill for 10 times. My body age is probably 45 years old. This is one major problem. Another major problem is my deteriorating memory. Tell me 10 numbers and I won't be able to remember it. I am forcing myself to improve my memory by playing silly childish time-wasting memory card games, and my performance is ridiculously disappointing. If my body age is 45 years old, my memory is 60 years old. I swear. This is definitely not a show-off or seek-attention post  like skinny girls complaining they are fat. I am really facing these things and I am seeking for a solution, optimistically.

Is it more than a thousand words already? Whatever.

Frequently asked questions and very constructive suggestions:

1) No money a? Teach tuition lar you.
 I work part-time occasionally ok?! Please stop asking me to teach tuition. I used to be a primary school teacher for half a year so it's not that I cannot teach, but I wish to spend the night doing something else like going to Buddhism class or reading some papers.

2)When are you going to graduate? Huh? Study so long one meh?
I also want to know when I can graduate. Are you a fortune-teller?

3)Why you don't want to find a proper job? Gain some work experience lar. My friend/relative/relative's friend works in so and so company, he gets really high salary you know. You try try lar.
Studying is a morally proper thing to do. I will gain work experience some years later. Thank you.

If anyone still ask me these questions, I will still answer cheerfully.

I am not complaining, just wanting to reveal the real situation here. And as I said, too many things are churning in my head, I seek guidance and assistance from books. It's helpful and has immediate motivating and healing effects.

Back to my root problem, dilemma between the pursuit of dream, time and money. Ahh I am talking about dreams again and again in this blog.

A nice quote from the book, "The Last Lecture":

Brick walls are there are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something. 

Yes all the while I know clearly what I want badly, it's just that so many things are pulling me back and leading me into hesitation. I think I would choose the wild path, just follow my heart and do my best out of it. Just bear the consequences!

I cannot imagine myself dying with regrets and a desperate heart.

The end of cleaning the brain mess. Good night!

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